Serious business goes on in Washington, or so they say. Much of it is in the hallowed halls of the Supreme Court of the United States.
I use the word hallowed, which is defined on CollinsDictionary.com as “something that is respected … old, important and has a good reputation.” The Court of course has generally worn this cloak proudly. It is, after all, the final arbiter of all things of substance under the law.
So, when it was announced that the Court has taken up the important case of … wait for it … rubber dog toys … trivial and frivolous were the words on many pundits’ lips. Over the years, the Court has heard many cases of import.
In the dog toy case, Jack Daniels, a hard-liquor distiller, considers it an important trademark infringement issue. They are suing because they are concerned that the toy “tarnishes their image,” and their discerning customers will be unable to distinguish their black-labeled, glass whiskey bottle from a rubber chew toy. It’s just my opinion, but if that’s true, maybe their customers ought to lay off the hooch a bit.
The label in question has a drawing of a dog prominently displayed in place of the distiller’s name and declares that it is “100% smelly” and “100% poo by volume.” The toy maker claims their free-speech rights are being abused and that parody is American as apple pie. The Court expects to rule by the end of June.
The robed justices are no strangers to silly litigation. The Court once had to rule on who owns the sky. In the case U.S. v Causby, a farmer claimed airplanes flying over his chicken coop were scaring his birds to death. He cited an old common law which said that a landowner owned “everything to hell and heaven,” which included the airspace over his farm. The Court ruled that planes needed to fly 1,000 feet above his coop and awarded the farmer a sum “commensurate with the cost of his dead chickens.”
Most trivial cases never reach the high court, but lower courts are fertile ground for litigious loonies. A man once sued Budweiser beer for failing to help him attract beautiful women. Maybe he would have had better luck drinking Jack Daniel’s whiskey. A prisoner sued himself, claiming he had a split personality and was not responsible for his crime. Since he was incarcerated, he expected the state to pay him $5,000,000 for false arrest. He’s still behind bars … both of him.
Not long ago, Major League Baseball, on behalf of our beloved Red Sox, tried to trademark the word “BOSTON.” Common sense prevailed as the Sox asked that the case be dropped, preferring to continue their quixotic quest for a pennant rather than to own a city.
Speaking of sports … consider the poor soul who looked like Michael Jordan. He sued Jordan because people kept mistaking him for the basketball star. Maybe I should sue George Clooney because I am cursed with his good looks. Eh, maybe not.
Another fellow sued to legally change his age to avoid getting old. He lost, but I sure wish he’d won.
Editor’s note: Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and retired newspaper columnist whose musings are, after some years, back in The Wanderer under the subtitle “Thoughts on ….” Morgado’s opinions have also appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.
Thoughts on…
By Dick Morgado