If you read this column regularly you know that from time to time I rant on unelected bureaucrats at the state and federal level dictating what we can and cannot do in our own town. What I am about to tell you falls under “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”.
Let me introduce you to Marty the Magician. For many years Marty Hahne has performed his magic at elementary schools and children’s birthday parties around the little town of Ozark, Missouri. He is a master at vanishing little bunny rabbits. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Some years ago, Congress passed a law designed to protect animals like lions, tigers, and bears, from neglect and abuse which required “exhibitors” like circuses, zoos, and animal acts to have a license for each of their animals. Enter Marty the Magician who had a bunny rabbit named Casey.
Discovering this regulation Marty duly applied and received a license for Casey. The license required Marty to submit to periodic, surprise inspections of his home. Also, if he performed away from Ozark, he had to submit a detailed itinerary to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. I’m guessing, but I’ll bet by the time the U.S.D.A approved the itinerary the little birthday kids were sixteen years old. But I digress.
After hurricane Katrina the Feds “improved” the law by requiring a contingency plan for animals’ safety during a disaster. Marty duly complied submitting a 29-page plan to protect Casey from floods, tornados, heat, chemical leaks, etc. Casey also had to be caged when not performing. The inspector declared that Marty’s plan was “pretty short” saying, since Casey was licensed, the bunny was the “most important” concern during a disaster. However, the U.S.D.A inspector mentioned that if the rabbit were raised for food, it would not need a license. Upon hearing that, Marty asked “Are you’re telling me I can kill the rabbit to eat… but I can’t take it across the street to (entertain) a birthday party without a license?” Yup. You can’t make this stuff up.
But wait there’s more.
Have you heard of Heminway’s cats? Ernest Hemingway the writer had a cat named Snow White who had six toes. Six toed cats are claimed to bring good luck. Not to the Hemingway Museum, a National Historic Site, which his home became after he died (the writer, not the cat). Apparently, Snow White had many offspring, all with six toes. Over the years the museum has accumulated over 60 cats that are well cared for and roam freely around the property to the enjoyment of visitors who often return just to visit the cats. They also attracted U.S. Department of Agriculture officials.
These agents were concerned about the cats’ “containment.” They ordered the museum to hire a night watchman to ensure the felines would not escape into the neighborhood at night. Or, as an alternative, they could increase the height of the surrounding wall. (Which would be against National Historic Site regulations.) And they would need a license to keep each cat confining them in cages (like Casey the bunny). The museum refused so the Feds returned with another “suggestion” …electrify the wall and provide raised “resting” platforms for the cats. The museum complied. Well, you know what happened. While no cat vanished, like Casey the magic bunny, one got burned and another escaped jumping over the wall from its raised platform.
Despite reluctantly complying to that rule the museum had to apply four times for the licenses, each time being rejected on a technicality. In the meantime, fines of $200 a day for each cat accumulated. The Feds persisted, sending in undercover agents dressed as tourists and even renting a house next door to secretly photograph the cats.
After five years, a lawsuit, and spending $200,000 the museum complied with modified regulations which recognized their unique historical situation. To this day Hemingway’s cats continue to roam the museum grounds.
Marty the Magician continues to amaze little kids. Casey the bunny is now enjoying a happy retirement.
Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and happily retired writer. His newspaper columns appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.
Thoughts on…
By Dick Morgado