If you have been paying attention to the upcoming presidential election, which is only a mere 10 months away and you are not already sick of the whole thing, you know that both major candidates for president are old. I can say that without bias or fear of picketers in front of my home, because I am old.
Since perception is everything and reality nothing in a presidential election, I have a few suggestions for the front runners (maybe “runners” is too generous a term for old guys) to look younger. Remember you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. I believe looking younger would guarantee the all-important youth vote, especially if it comes down to the wire.
I suggest taking multiple naps during the day and going to bed early and getting up late. Gravity can cause bags under your eyes, giving you the appearance of being tired. Frequent naps may not help you look younger, but they would help to cut down on public appearances and the annoyance of you being on our news all the time.
Barbara Seymour, a communications coach who has worked for Bloomingdale’s and Neiman Marcus, who I assume because of that expertise must have vast experience in political campaigns, advises never to wear plaid pants. She says they make you appear heavy. Thin is in and thin radiates youthfulness and vitality. I bet she’d agree that you should wear jeans with holes in the knees as often as possible.
Chew gum. Experts say peppermint is preferred, or suck on peppermint hard candy. Research at Wheeling Jesuit University in West Virginia found that the smell of peppermint improves your mood and motivation, important to maintain as the campaign wears on. That study complements previous research tying the scent of peppermint to “enhanced energy levels and cognitive functioning.”
If you prefer, the good Jesuits have found that the smell of cinnamon boosts brainpower and improves mental dexterity and traits that, according to polls, voters seem to think older people lack.
Riquette Hofstein, world-renowned hair and skin expert, suggests washing your hair with beer will make your hair look fuller. Might I suggest a nice craft brew from a local brewery where you are campaigning. A light lager works well, she says.
Arrange to get caught rapping on a hot mike. Hold your cell phone in your hand at all times. Be sure your staff releases photos of you googling or texting. Research has shown that surfing the internet regularly helps the brain to stay sharp, which is important to appearing younger.
Talk fast. No one will know what you are saying so no one can disagree.
Use “vocal fry” such as “you know” and “like” frequently. (If you already know what vocal fry is, you are already ahead of the game.) Also say “my mom” when telling family anecdotes. I know from having taught in high school and college that “my mom…” is the most-used phrase among people under 30.
Quote Taylor Swift lyrics as often as possible.
Refer to your running mate as your “bestie.”
Always be positive when speaking about your chances. Say the campaign is “buzzin’” even if the polls show it is tanking.
Be sure to refer to your wife as “Heather” even if that is not her name. Young people know that means she is admirable and should be liked. A likeable, future first lady is a valuable partner in a campaign.
And don’t ever say your children are members of AARP.
Editor’s note: Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and retired newspaper columnist whose musings are, after some years, back in The Wanderer under the subtitle “Thoughts on ….” Morgado’s opinions have also appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.
Thoughts on…
By Dick Morgado