The Muppet character Count Von Count on Sesame Street must have been inspired by the federal government. Let me explain. The United States government is obsessed with numbers, just like the Count. There is the U.S. Census Bureau which is charged with counting every resident in the country, plus all manner of other data. With a country of 345,426,571 people at last count, Count Von Count would be in numbers heaven.
When the Dracula-like Muppet finishes crunching those numbers, he can reckon with those of the National Vital Statistic System (NVSS), formerly known as U.S. Bureau of Vital Statistics (USBVS), which counts the number of births and deaths in the country. USBVS is part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) which also includes the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) which also counts how many people are sick. The states are represented in the federal government by the National Association for Public Health Statistics (NAPHSIS).
Got all that?
As you can see, the government is also obsessed with letters. There is also the National Aeronautical and Space Administration (NASA), the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the Department of Energy (DOE), and the Department of Transportation (DOT). Not to mention (but I will) the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), and everyone’s favorite, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), and many, many more.
All of these come under the Executive Office of the President of the United States (POTUS), who is under the control of FLOTUS (the First Lady of the United States).
Often, sometimes inadvertently, these acronyms spell words, like DOT (Department of Transportation), DOE (Department of Energy) and, in Massachusetts, the office of Public Safety and Security (PSS). Oops, that’s not a word, it just sounds like one when said out loud.
Even our town government has its share of letter salads. In fact, our distinguished Town Administrator, Mike Lorenco recently presented a seminar on municipal finance terminology for newly elected Finance Committee (FINCOM) members.
Lorenco started by explaining that the DLS (state Division of Local Services), a division of the DOR (Massachusetts Department of Revenue) provides important information to the public and municipal leaders. He went on to says that PILOT (Payment in Lieu of Taxes) is an agreement that require entities that are not subject to pay taxes to…well, pay taxes.
Any money left over after budgets are completed…the amount of taxes refunded to the taxpayers (just kidding) …is known as “Excess Capacity.” It could be called EXCAP for clarity. If you are a retired town employee your “post-employment benefits,” like health insurance, are called OPEB’s. (Where did the “O” come from?). And BAN is a Bond Anticipation Note. I think that means money the town needs to borrow if the FINCOM thinks there will be a shortfall. But I may be wrong.
I believe using acronyms for other town board would go along way to clarify government to the populous. How about we call the Selectboard SELBO (pronounced like elbow. They could use a nudge once in a while). The Capitol Planning Committee (CAPLA) and the School Committee (SCHOCOM) sound very bureaucratic, as does PLABO for the Planning Board and RESFU for the Reserve Fund.
I think these would be a great addition to the municipal vocabulary.
Don’t you agree?
Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and happily retired writer. His newspaper columns appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.
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By Dick Morgado