I have always been fascinated with people who find solutions where there are no problems and I feel obliged to keep you, loyal reader, up to date on important issues, especially in areas of personal hygiene.
You may have read that Charmin, a major manufacturer of toilet tissue, claims to have come up with a revolutionary improvement to their tissue rolls. After five years of exhaustive study and millions of dollars of expense retooling their machinery, they have decided to do away with the traditional square sheet. New improved wavy perforations now replace the traditional straight line of holes. They say this will “provide a better, smoother tear.”
Well darn, thank you Charmin, because this is something I have been losing sleep over for some time and apparently so have enough frustrated users to warrant this important innovation. I confess I have not had any problem with ragged tears, but I am glad they continue to be on the cutting edge of toilet-paper technology. What’s next, “Glow in the Dark” toilet paper? Well yes, someone tried that, but it lasted less time than it took to flip a light switch.
Proper hygiene is important, but you may be surprised to hear that Levi, the maker of blue jeans, has declared that their jeans only need to be washed every 10 wearings. Apparently, washing jeans once a week is the equivalent of 6,700 glasses of water, a serious consideration in reducing our carbon footprint. Who would have thought? I didn’t know washing jeans frequently was a problem, but Charles Bergh, CEO of Levi, has a solution … wash your jeans while taking a shower. There ya’ go!
Another solution without a problem was the infamous “New Coke,” Coca Cola’s attempt to expand its market. When introduced, U.S. Senator David Prior called it “a meaningful moment in U.S. history.” It was a dismal failure because no one asked for it and no one cared. In an effort to keep up in the soft-drink marketplace, Mars, Inc. introduced “Life Savers” soda, but consumers labeled it liquid candy. No candy for you!
Heinz, the catsup – or is it ketchup – people, produced “Squirt” blue-and green-colored condiments in a squeeze bottle, presumably for kids. The kids balked at the sight of it, and it was off the market in an instant. Other food companies that tried to create solutions for imaginary products where there was no clamoring for them include: Cheetos brand “Flamin’ Hot Lip Balm,” which not only burned lips but turned them orange; “Thirsty Dog” and “Thirsty Cat” beef-and fish-flavored water for pets; and Pizza Hut’s fold-over, calzone-like pizzas called “P-Zones.” Enough said about that name.
Then in 1982, “Colgate Lasagna” was introduced, which was not only not appetizing but caused their toothpaste sales to plummet.
Outside the realm of food, Bic, the pen makers, tried their hand at marketing perfume, and when that didn’t work, Bic ballpoints for women with a curvy shape in a variety of pastel colors were introduced. I’ll bet they were all men who dreamed up those products.
Sometimes companies are ahead of their time. In 1999, Barbie personal computers were introduced. These were not toys, especially at the cost of $699. With the recent popularity of the Barbie movie – even the Red Sox had a Barbie Day at Fenway Park in September – they might have been a success. They were not.
My favorite solution without a problem that failed was when Esso Oil spent millions of dollars researching, designing, redesigning and test-marketing a new brand identity, making sure the new name wouldn’t offend anyone around the world. As soon as the new name Exxon was released, wags started saying Exxon double-crossed their customers. They stuck it out, but they really should have saved their money; there was no problem with the old name.
I think Charmin will have a big success with their innovative toilet-paper roll because their blue spokes-bear family is just so adorable. Don’t you agree?
Editor’s note: Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and retired newspaper columnist whose musings are, after some years, back in The Wanderer under the subtitle “Thoughts on ….” Morgado’s opinions have also appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.
Thoughts on…
By Dick Morgado